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Gratitude has become a buzzy word in the past few years, but even if you’ve nailed thankfulness as part of your personal self-care practice, have you considered how gratitude comes into play for your team? As 

 notes, employee recognition is a hugely important factor when it comes to retention. In a 2016 study titled 

, researchers defined three levels of workplace gratitude:

, is when an employee has an experience they respond to with gratitude—the example they use is being appreciative of a colleague who takes time out to help them learn how to do something new.

, which is the accumulation of episodes of gratitude that lead to an overall more positive feeling for that person at work.

The culmination of all of this on an organizational level is called 

—when a majority of the company is experiencing persistent feelings of gratitude for each other.

But those warm and fuzzy feelings don’t come out of nowhere—they have to be fostered by those in a position to really shape the company culture. Ultimately, gratitude is like a muscle that has to be exercised, and if you can’t clearly identify ways you’re expressing gratitude for a job well done, chances are there’s room for improvement. 

Here are a few ways to reshape your leadership skills to express more gratitude in 2023:

Tilt the Feedback Scales Toward the Positive

While sharing constructive criticism effectively is a necessary tool for any leader, research published in the 

 clearly shows that “a little negative feedback goes a long way”. On the other hand, it’s hard to have too much positive feedback. One of the best ways to help an employee improve their performance is to reinforce and highlight what 

There’s no need to have a scarcity mindset around giving kudos—outside of the big recognition moments, like awards and promotions, sharing a few grateful words for a quick turnaround or well-done presentation is a small investment by a manager that has an outsized impact. You don’t have to be fawning or patronizing, just make a mental note to look for valid moments to share a virtual pat on the back.

While team appreciation is essential, researchers at 

 also identified that publicly rewarding individual team members can have what’s called a “recognition spillover effect.” In other words, the good vibes are contagious. The key is making sure this happens frequently, so there’s a regular rotation of winners.


Humans have a remarkable ability to normalize changes, which means that unless you and your team pause to reflect, it can be easy to forget how much you’ve accomplished. Once you have your daily or weekly shoutouts down, think about when makes sense to set aside more space for celebrating wins. This could be a yearly offsite, a quarterly outing with your direct reports, or a low-key event like an ice cream social.

Keep track of big changes through the year and go over them as a group. Did three of your team members get promoted? That’s huge! Did you all land a record number of clients? Seeing the stats in black and white can be majorly motivating for everyone involved.

One of the best ways to help an employee improve their performance 

 to reinforce and highlight what *is* working.

When the time comes to go beyond verbal recognition, thoughtfulness goes a long way. Instead of sharing generic gift cards for outstanding employees or to mark the completion of a big project, take a poll or think outside the box to ideate a perk that will surprise and delight.

Have a box of chic office upgrades or handpicked snacks 

 right to their desk, or consider hosting a speaker who can help with professional development. Bring a human touch to the table, to show your team you're truly invested in not just their performance week to week, but also their job satisfaction and the overall arc of their career.

While it may feel old fashioned, penning a single-sentence thank you note on a piece of paper will always be impactful. A Slack or an email is great, but this remote-friendly option (remember the mail?) is a step up.

Follow some classic Emily Post-esque advice and keep a stack of thank you notes on your desk, so you can dash one off for a team member who helped you out in a pinch or blew you away in that meeting. Plus, this one will have added value for you, as well—writing thank you notes has proven 

The best team members are the most reliable—the ones who show up prepared, and meet their deadlines as much as possible. So show them the same respect in turn by treating your check-in times as sacred, and replying to them as quickly as you would to a client.

While this might not seem like a gratitude practice at first glance, it’s a way to show mutual respect and say thanks without doing so explicitly. Things will come up, but being reliable and communicative will let your team know you appreciate them and value their time and mental health.

Recognition Habits to Transform Your Team

Team building activities can be a real conundrum—no adult likes to be told when to enjoy themselves, but a lack of any outside-the-office bonding activities can leave people 

. A good general rule is to try to plan things you would actually want to do in your spare time (i.e. no sitting around in a circle reciting icebreakers).

Read on for some simple, non-cringe team activities that may just lead to some new 

—or at the very least, putting actual faces to those tiny Slack icons.

Ask your team to bring in a book they have lying around, whether it’s one they loved or never felt inspired to pick up. One person’s slog is another’s best book of the year. Remote? Try a mail swap for those okay with sharing their home address. If you're IRL, also consider an office lending library, where folks can take/leave a book when they need a new read. Or set up "mystery choices" like some bookstores do, where coworkers wrap favorite books in paper and simply describe what's inside—historical fantasy, political nerd deep dive, etc.

 delivered to your office or scheduling a virtual mystery hour is less intense than an escape room and more engaging than a puzzle. While it’s admittedly a little bit corny, sometimes some structure is what you need to get people talking.

Knitting and quilting circles may sound like something your grandma's into, but that’s actually part of the fun. Tap a coworker with a crafting hobby to lead an afternoon of drinking and DIY-ing, or hire a local pro to come by and share the basics. It’s always easier to make conversation when your hands are busy, and the beginner steps of these crafts are simple enough that it's likely nearly everyone in your group can do them.

Who knows why Gen Z decided it would be a great idea to start presenting intentionally ridiculous slide presentations at parties, but it’s a genius move. Ask team members what trivial, completely non-work related topic they could wax on about for hours, and request some enthusiastic volunteers do exactly that in front of everyone. Spice things up with a prize for the most creative/LOL entry (SFW, of course).

Create a quest to find the best lunch spot or cocktail hour hang by taking a walking tour of a local neighborhood known for its restaurants or bars. This one’s fun to turn into a series—think a dumpling crawl of Chinatown, taco truck tasting, or pizza odyssey. If you live in a city, chances are there’s a slew of local guides to choose from—for example, NYC’s famous 

A bar with some kind of an activity—think shuffleboard, bowling, or arcade games—is a nice mix that feels festive and like something they would do on their own time anyways, with games available to keep everything from being just about drinking.

Non-alcoholic drinks have come a long way, and making–or sampling—some is an inclusive activity you can do anytime of day. There’s a few ways to play it: You could hire a drinks expert to come to your office, or host a virtual session by sending a list of ingredients over in advance and having everyone follow along.

Asking someone what their very first job was can be a surprisingly fun conversation starter. Everyone will have an answer at hand without having to brainstorm, and the answers can tell you a lot about someone’s backstory and how they came to be sitting in front of you as a coworker. Plus, it often leads to funny anecdotes about the trials and tribulations of say, scooping ice cream or pet sitting.

Hire a reader to share short readings for the team (just make sure they know in advance to keep things from getting too deeply personal). Having a tarot reader set up at a larger office party is a great conversation-starter, or make it the main event on a Thursday afternoon team-building Zoom.

If your office kitchen is stocked with snacks, instate a quarterly snackathon and ask people to vote on what’s in and what’s out. Think of it as a fun and tasty way to keep things from getting stale. After all, even those beloved peanut butter-filled pretzels can start to feel blah when you’re eating them week after week. Collect suggestions for 

 and gather round for a tasting—then take a poll to see which old snacks get voted off the (kitchen) island.


If there’s a cool exhibit coming up at a local museum, book a group tour with a dedicated guide. Your team will get a VIP-feeling experience, along with moments of connection as you move through the gallery spaces—or botanical gardens, or sculpture park. Seeing art together, even (or especially!) if people have different reactions to it, creates a strong shared reference point and can jumpstart creative convos.

12. Create a Bracket—Any Kind of Bracket

Best TV shows of the past 10 years? Favorite Met Ball looks? Best pizza toppings? Creating a fun competition that’s not solely about sports is an inclusive way to bring people in and get them rooting for their faves, without having to sit around and wrack their suddenly-blank brain for any movie they’ve ever seen. Mark the end with an on-theme celebration, like a favorite-episode watch party.

Gossip brings people together for a reason, but it’s only fun when no one’s feelings are getting hurt—and like it or not, it’s nearly impossible to exist without absorbing at least some basic star news during the week. Setting aside a few minutes at the end of a meeting to talk about the latest (office appropriate!) celeb gossip can be a low effort way to 

. Plus, you never know which coworkers will come out of the woodwork as surprise 

Our collective passion for plants isn’t going anywhere, so lean into it with a group potting session. Have a local landscaper or plant shop expert come by with supplies and either seedlings or starter plants, and have your team gather round to freshly pot their own greenery, or create some air-plant terrariums. They can use them to infuse some life into the office, or bring them home for a little living brightness.

In-person cooking classes can be more fun in theory, but if you’re in a big group, it can be hard for everyone to stay on the same page, and food can be a sensitive subject for many. All signing on to a virtual cooking class means your team can be in the comfort of their own kitchens—or just follow along as others cook. You can book a private class, or encourage your crew to sign up for a free weekly class, like cookbook author Julia Turshen’s 

, or Milk Bar founder Christina Tosi’s Instagram Live 

. Both share ingredient lists in advance, so be sure to offer a supplies stipend.

Sometimes a practical hang beats trying to make your work events feel FUN. Invite WFH colleagues to grab a bev and tune into a feng shui or ergonomics expert on how to set up their home desks/offices to banish carpal tunnel or "

 that use tiny furniture models and pre-ask a few willing folks to share a simple drawing of their space to use as an example. It’s shockingly satisfying to see what you can do with what you already have.

Taking over an entire theater is a great way to bring your group together, creating a communal experience that requires less small talk. See something current or ask if your theater can cue up a classic—people can debate their favorite movie theater candy, and everyone will have a shared topic to break the ice when you’re all back at work. Or, if you’re planning a warm weather event, research local rooftop or outdoor film companies and host an al fresco fiesta.

Team-Building Activities That Don’t Feel Like Forced Fun

Workplace gifting can be a minefield of etiquette rules and hard-to-discern expectations, which can lead to anxiety leading up to it and disappointment after. But this doesn’t have to be your fate as a workplace gifter and giftee! To help guide you toward good gifting vibes, we’ve collected a few common questions and practical answers. Read on to tackle the next major gifting season armed with good ideas.


I have a team member who’s more like a mentee—is it okay to give them a nicer gift than the rest of my coworkers?

A lot of this depends on the dynamic of your team. Is this person your only direct report? Are they someone you have been working with for a long time? Do you feel confident that they view you as a mentor?

If you manage a team, giving something obviously nicer to one employee is clearly playing favorites—yes, even if you do it discreetly. The Murphy’s Law of office gossip and Slack chitchat dictate that it’s almost guaranteed everyone else will find out and feel hurt. This also puts your giftee in the awkward position of possibly getting blowback from the team. And, if the relationship is actually not as close as you’ve inferred, giving an extravagant gift might straight up make them feel weird.

But if you’ve answered yes to all the above, feel free to pass GO and splurge a little. To keep things work appropriate, steer away from anything too extra (or even remotely flirty!) like jewelry or booze—think a nice monogrammed planner, home-office upgrades like desk accessories or 

, or a gift card to a favorite lunch spot near the office.

I want to send my team something special, but we all work remotely. What’s a non-lame gift?

If you have access to your team’s addresses, consider sending them something to make their workday feel a little special, like a supply of nice coffee, new mug, luxe notebook, or even a small desktop plant. If that’s not in the cards logistically, put a little extra effort into 

 and send them a digital gift to a local place you know they like to go, like a bookstore or cafe. If they’re into art, an affordable museum membership is also a great idea. Just make sure, as with any gift, that it’s thoughtful and inclusive without being aggressively personal.

If you have a close enough relationship to know what they would like, you could also make a donation to their favorite charity—or on the other end of the spectrum, order a Cameo from their favorite B-list celeb.

As an entry level employee, am I really expected to give my (much more highly compensated!) manager a gift?

Everything is more expensive than ever these days, so it makes sense that as someone just getting started in your career—with an entry level salary to match—it can feel jarring to spend money on a holiday or birthday gift for your team lead who is most likely in a more comfortable financial position. This situation can be a perfect storm of workplace stress factors: anxiety about making a good impression, money stuff, the specific expectations of your office culture (you get the idea).

Spending money you don’t have on a gift for your manager is only going to make you resentful in the long term, and any boss who expects their report to buy them an expensive gift is categorically wrong. However, this is where the timeworn adage rings true—it’s really the thought that counts. Not even the most unruffled boss in the world is immune to 

 by their team. A simple card with a basic message can go a long way in this scenario. Or even a nice email with a .gif you know will make them laugh.

It’s really the thought that counts... A simple card with a basic message can go a long way.

Or, if you have a few coworkers on the same level and really want to go the extra mile, ask if anyone else wants to pitch in a couple of dollars and put whatever you get toward a group gift like a coffee shop gift card, or things like nice pens, snacks, etc. (But only do this if you 

 want to—and never pressure a coworker into taking part.) At the end of the day, if you do nothing, that’s also totally fine—the thought of giving a gift to my boss didn’t cross my mind until at least my late 20s.

Do I have to participate in my workplace white elephant gift exchange?

No! Listen, people either love or hate the workplace gift exchange, and if it’s not for you, it’s better to be up front about that fact instead of suffering through it year after year. The general issue with this type of forced holiday fun is that it either has a spend limit that some people flaunt, leaving things feeling uneven, or involves everyone buying and then bringing home a bunch of random junk. 

That said, if you’re in an office culture where people are super into it, kindly but firmly decline to take part—make up a funny, obviously fake story about a traumatic gift exchange in your past if that helps everyone laugh it off. Or, suggest switching to a Secret Santa instead—it has a similar element of suspense while being a little more personal.

To keep things work appropriate, steer away from anything too extra (or even remotely flirty!) like jewelry or booze.

As a manager, do I owe my team a nice gift from me personally, or just the company?

If your company is providing a gift for a holiday or to mark a milestone (hopefully the answer is yes), there’s no need to go above and beyond with an additional, personalized gift. That’s especially true if the gift the company provides is something that feels design-y or curated in some way. If it’s a monogrammed sweatshirt no one ever wears, consider pitching the powers-that-be on switching to something that feels nicer across the board—you’ll be a workplace hero.

add your own gift if you’d like. Just follow all the general rules above to make sure it’s something that’s appropriate, fun, and not destined to cause workplace drama. 

Are You Doing Workplace Gift-Giving Right?

As so many of us have embraced hybrid or fully remote work (we love to see it!), the reality is, individual and collective wellbeing within dispersed teams can feel uneven or inequitable. At New Stand, we're adamant that universal employee experiences are key to mastering flexible work culture, no matter your team’s hybrid style. To address today's hot-topic issue of inconsistent employee experience, we launched a deep-dive report on how to reconnect teams through shared experiences, in collaboration with coworking mavens 

Get the full story on equitable experiences for hybrid work—including how to improve your team’s specific culture and boost employee connection—with our exclusive report. 

How flex work has given way to new culture pitfalls

The culture pillars most susceptible to inequity

Impact on retention, productivity & profitability

Quiz to identify your org’s employee-experience gaps

Case studies from real, industry-leading companies

Why Equitable Experiences Are Essential for Hybrid Work

More flexible work has been a game-changer—minus the inconsistent experience for individuals. Employee engagement is down, building meaningful bonds is a struggle, and yesterday’s culture strategy isn’t cutting it. But it’s possible to connect team members in an equitable way, no matter where or how they work.

Where to start: Distributed employees need better solutions when it comes to team connection and collaboration, information access, career opportunity and recognition, and workplace accommodations. In turn, these factors have the power to transform employee engagement.

Connect Your Team Through Shared Experiences

Half of business leaders say relationship-building activities are the greatest challenge for their hybrid teams. So when it comes to evolving flex-forward culture for 2023 and beyond, belonging and connectivity are top priority. It's clear that creating a more cohesive and inclusive company culture is a critical people strategy at this future-of-work inflection point. The upshot? Increased employee satisfaction = better business, period.

Disconnected Culture? Focus on Shared Employee Experiences

As more companies settle into new ways of working, often with some employees in-office and others remote simultaneously, figuring out an effective hybrid-call strategy is a must. We’ve rounded up six expert tips to address some of the most common roadblocks to clear communication—no matter the answer to, “Where are you calling from?”

Those first few minutes of a meeting can be a bit awkward, regardless of where people are dialing in from. Try setting aside five minutes in the beginning of every meeting to chat informally with colleagues, as you might if you were all in person, to build rapport and engagement.

If participants need a nudge, the meeting leader can work in a (non-work related) conversation starter at the top of the agenda. For example: asking each person what series they can’t stop watching, or prompting the group for lunch recs. We promise, getting to know your coworkers can be fun when you aren’t trying to figure out if the tech guy being related to Brad Pitt is a “truth” or a “lie.”

Stick to One Video-Call Platform (and Learn How to Use It)

Google Meet, Teams, Slack calls… There are a million different ways to have virtual meetings, but just because companies 

 use multiple services, doesn’t mean they should. Choose one video-comms platform and be consistent in implementing it. The more your team uses a designated software, the more comfortable they’ll feel with it, meaning less operational friction.

To that point, we could all use a little less, “Can you see my slides?” Add the horror stories of screen-sharing gone wrong, and you can see why it’s crucial to get all employees fully functional on the company’s main meeting service. Schedule a training and pour one out for all the time we’ve lost trying to locate sharing permissions during live meetings, or been distracted by the presenter’s iMessage notifications.

Have you ever called into a meeting where all your colleagues are talking together in a conference room but you can’t hear them? Most office spaces aren’t really designed for this kind of mixed-use audio. If you’re in the position to, it’s worth moving your company to invest in a 

. Solutions include physical products like the 

, a multi-camera device that looks something like an Alexa tower. Its omnidirectional microphones take in audio from participants around the on-site room, while its 360-degree speaker distributes remote voices clearly. Plus: No more wildly flustering echo.

Alternatively, other high-quality microphones—even ceiling ones—can be installed in conference rooms. Other good starting points include looking into the office’s bandwidth (better data transfer = better sound) and meeting-room acoustics. In leadership? Work with IT on a unified communications and collaboration (

Connect Remote Workers With an On-Site Point Person

Every meeting should have someone running it, but this role becomes even more critical in hybrid meetings. For those logging in from elsewhere, it should be clear who they can ping about issues or asks to make the meeting more 

: “Can you bring the camera a little closer to the whiteboard?” or “Can you ask John to talk a little louder?”

Making requests like this in the general chat can be distracting, so it’s helpful to be able to message one person directly. That person can make any changes or announcements, so everyone can keep focusing on the meeting itself. Imagine: never again awkwardly interrupting the meeting, only to be met with blank stares and silence. 

Pour one out for all the time we’ve lost trying to locate sharing permissions during live meetings, or been distracted by the presenter’s iMessage notifications.

The big question in a hybrid meeting: How many laptops should you be using? While many groups default to either one laptop for everyone or everyone on their own laptop, the 

 is probably somewhere in the middle. The single laptop can be alienating for remote workers who often can’t see, hear, or participate clearly this way. But when everyone in the office dials in from their own desk, being in-person can feel pointless, and they’re more likely to multitask.

Try getting the in-person crew in one room, and pair them with laptops at a 3:1 (max) ratio, so remote workers can actually see and hear everyone, and there are enough video angles captured around the room. An easy rule: Keep the video on for all of the laptops but only touch any of them if you’re presenting. Sure, it's hard to give up an undercover shopping session during a meeting, but it’s for the greater good.

There’s meeting etiquette, and then there’s hybrid meeting etiquette. In addition to all of the systems above, get together with your team and write down a list of the personal measures that make mixed-location meetings run smoothly. Share it out so individual employees know how to contribute to less-annoying calls for everyone, including themselves.

By creating a consistent culture around streamlined, effective meetings, team members are more likely to take steps like muting when not speaking. Another reminder to include: Schedule hybrid meetings in spaces that aren’t too big or echo-y. And, for in-person participants, encourage them to decide whose laptop to listen from and speak into (muting others to avoid audio crossover) before the meeting begins.

If your next meeting can’t just be an email, at least everyone should be able to see, hear, and participate easily—whether they’re brushing shoulders IRL or petting the fur baby in their lap.

6 Tips for Mastering Hybrid Meetings

When I tally up the friends I’ve made as an adult, more than half are people I met through a job—including my two ride-or-die BFFs. I sat across a very small desk from them at a startup e-comm company for four years until we went our separate career ways. Something the three of us discuss a lot is how lucky we feel to have successfully transitioned “IRL” buds, a shift that can feel risky. After all, no one wants to feel like they don’t make the cut beyond just being work friends. In the best cases, incessant contact, inside jokery, and stress-bonding on the job can lead to the kind of friends who’ve seen you ugly cry and invite you to Friendsgiving.

So how can you figure out if your professional-friend crush is interested in more? Like with any crush, the answers lie in a timeless, teen mag-style quiz, conveniently presented below. Jot down your answers and look to the results for advice from successful work besties, as well as consolation if your meeting soulmate isn’t meant to be your standing Sunday brunch date.

a. Mostly deadline Qs and project updates

b. Work stuff with a few Housewives .gifs or skull emojis sprinkled in

c. Includes jaunty weekend recaps and exclusive pet pics

2. Have they ever invited you to an outside-the-office hang?

b. Yes, their friend/significant other’s public DJ set or comedy show

d. Yes, a one-on-one movie, meal that wasn’t lunch, or anything involving a car ride longer than 20 minutes

3. Quick! How much do you know about them?

a. Ummm…I think they’re from Cincinnati?

b. Their kid just learned how to read, pretty cool!

is a masterpiece, oat milk is a must for coffee, fruit never belongs in salads

d. Their full natal chart (how else can you send the best astrology memes, duh)

4. How often do you lunch together? (Skip to the next Q if you’re WFH.)

a. Does waiting in line at the vending machine count?

b. We’ve walked to the salad spot a handful of times

d. Our standing date includes making each other sandwiches—is that weird?

5. How often are you low-key messaging during larger meetings?

a. Still waiting for them to make the first move

c. I’ve snort-laughed out loud at least once (disaster)

d. Other people are starting to notice, and it’s a problem

a. Gah, I’m working up the courage to hit “request”

b. We’re FB friends only, via an invite to a group event

c. I’m alllll up in the comments of their latest recap-carousel

what they’re posting on “close friends”

7. Have they confided in you on a no-good, very bad day?

b. We’ve done some wound-licking as a team

c. An occasional midday vent sesh is par for the course

d. We’ve cried into our beers together, literally

8. Would other coworkers call you friends?

b. I guess in a “sure, we’re friendly” kinda of way?

c. It’s no secret we’re part of a regular happy hour crew

d. They’ve given us a celeb-couple-style hybrid name

The bad news: You’re not there. But, you might get there! The biggest factor in this cordial-not-close phase of a relationship is time. If this is a relatively new co-worker, test the waters: Ask more personal (but still work-appropriate!) questions, invite them for coffee, or share something fun about yourself. If you’ve tried and it didn’t fly, respect those boundaries. Some people want to keep their work and personal lives totally distinct, or sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there outside the office. On the up side, having a coworker you like is still a big win.

If they were interested in more, you’d know it by now tbh. This one’s probably destined for in-office friendship only, and that’s okay! Maybe you’re a 20-something hitting up the club every week while they’re busy taking their pre-teen to softball, and your odd-couple bond works best 

 work. Or maybe their “work self” is all they feel comfortable sharing. If they’ve shrugged off invites or plans keep falling through, don’t get too bummed out. Instead, try to pinpoint why spending time with them makes you feel good, and look for that in your OOO friendships.

Mostly Cs: Strong “My People” Potential

The signs are promising! Rachel Herzig, a creative director, suggests this litmus test for what kind of legs a friendship might have: “If you both want to spend time together talking about things other than work, that’s a good indicator—when you’re lingering in the office because you’re genuinely interested in their conversation, and vice versa.” If you’re standing in the lobby or Slacking after hours to dissect the latest season of 

, it can be a natural transition to invite them over for a viewing party or see if they want to continue the convo over a cocktail.

Travis Fitch, an architect who’s amassed an impressive amount of friends from work over the years, also stresses the importance of “having a space outside of observation of your bosses to connect—it can be on GChat, or a physical space like a bar.” He also stresses the importance of a “bold individual” to make the first invite to a weekend movie or a day trip. Maybe that’s you? Much like dating, group plans are a good way to nudge things forward early on.

Congrats! You’re actually already friends with this person. Either straight-up ask them if they want to extend that socializing into “real life,” or watch out for clear signs they’re just as smitten. Take this example from my own life: When a coworker I was pretty close to shed tears of joy upon hearing I got into grad school, it felt like we’d instantly crossed a wonderful line. It was clear she genuinely cared for me beyond our current titles and roles. She invited me to her bachelorette party soon afterward, and the rest is history.

 working together for an office friendship to become fully realized. With that coworker, it was hard to prioritize spending downtime together when we already worked long hours side-by-side, and had other people to catch up with off the clock. Going your separate ways job-wise is a sink-or-swim moment for this kind of friendship, so if you’re serious, get some plans on the books, introduce them to your other besties, and revel in introducing them as your friend instead of “Ryan from work.”


Quiz: Does Your Work Friend Have "Real" Friend Potential? 

Before my girlfriend, Emily, and I started dating, we both wanted one thing: not to be in a serious relationship. But as life often goes, that’s not how things worked out for us. Cue six months of dating in New York, followed by a semi-break up when she moved to Austin, Texas for law school. Then, after a couple of “I’m going to be in your city if you’re around” visits, we found ourselves, despite our mutual protestations, in a serious and now long-distance relationship.

When dating someone in a different city, an obvious question eventually arises: Who moves? And an obvious consideration for both parties is work. So, when Emily entered her third and final year of law school this past September, we had to decide: Do we move in together, and where?

To create structure around this decision, we had to be incredibly matter-of-fact when it came to career needs and deal breakers. While my job as a digital content editor can kind of happen anywhere (so long as I have an internet connection), Emily’s career in movement lawyering is most effective when she’s tethered to a movement she’s connected to and passionate about—and where she can access that now is the South. After receiving a fellowship to do direct service work in Charlotte, North Carolina, it made sense for her next career move to dictate where we're going to live.

Work is part of life, but it isn’t the only deciding factor.

Being realistic about the circumstances, I was technically pretty free to move, and the where mattered less for me in terms of job security. Emotionally, I was feeling pretty ready to leave New York City in a post-COVID world, too. We also acknowledged that, rather than moving to a specific place for the rest of our lives, we were making a commitment to really try to figure out the next phase of our relationship and lives and see what would make us both happy.

Being honest with one another (and ourselves) about our career trajectories was the first step to getting aligned on what we wanted to build together, and where would be the best place to make that happen.

As two compulsive list-makers, Emily and I came into a lot of our conversations with pages of bullets and headlines like Things That Are Important to Me or What I Want My Life to Look Like. While we already knew we were aligned on things like morals and politics, we started getting into the nitty-gritty of what we wanted from our lives beyond location or jobs. Did we want to live somewhere where we’d be able to have a yard? How often did each of us want to see our parents? How rural of a setting would I be comfortable living in after almost 10 years in New York City?

Work is part of life, but it isn’t the only deciding factor. And in the end, we were remarkably aligned.

Early on in our relationship, Emily and I agreed on the things we value most, like community involvement, access to nature, and political participation. Having more abstract conversations about our long-term wants and beliefs in the beginning of our relationship meant that we didn’t have any big surprises when making this decision together. That said, there were still new things that mattered to each of us in this move. I didn’t want to drive a car everywhere, so it was important to me that we find a bike-friendly city. Emily wanted to be near her sister, who lives right outside of Charlotte.

By returning to the fact that we weren’t unwillingly tied to these decisions for the rest of our lives, it made it easier to feel like the move was a collaboration with our shared interests as the end goal.

Remember: The Only Thing That’s Permanent Is Change

Moving can be stressful. (In my 10 years in New York, I’ve only moved a handful of times because I’ve so actively avoided it). Moving to a new city for love can be super-stressful, and those feelings can quickly turn into resentment if you’re not careful. Emily and I worked hard to combat stress and fear by reminding ourselves that we’re not locked into this decision

, and if we ended up hating our new city—or each other—we could simply walk away. (At least I could do the whole 

 thing and “find myself” on the other side of the world if it didn’t work out.)

By returning to the fact that we weren’t unwillingly tied to these decisions for the rest of our lives, it made it easier to feel like the move was a collaboration with our shared interests as the end goal, not just one person following the other’s career path.

While neither Emily nor I were naive enough to think that this move would be simple or easy, we were both willing to put in the work to create a shared life that makes us proud. Sure, I’m moving to a new place for my partner’s career, but we were able to make the decision together—without losing sight of what’s important to me and 

How My Partner and I Decided to Move for Her Career 

Remember when we were all cheers-ing over virtual happy hours? While we’re still accidentally talking over each other on Zoom and adding emojis to soften our tone on Slack, the happy-hour era seems like a sweeter time. A recent study on the interpersonal effects of remote work—conducted among 61,000 Microsoft employees and published in the journal 

—found that remote workers had become less interconnected and more siloed; they collaborated less; and they communicated less with people outside of their business groups.

. There are ways to create deeper, more meaningful connections with your coworkers, from IRL to URL. Here are three easy ways to make a difference in your daily interactions ASAP.

This might seem obvious, but it can also feel hard to be Zoom-ready all the time. (Midday shower people, get at us.) And video fatigue is real. But regularly going camera-off hides your natural non-verbal cues from other people. Micro facial expressions can help show your manager how you really feel about that feedback, that you’re actually pretty excited about your project manager’s new idea, or that you’re all in on the NFT tangent the convo has taken.

If you could use a confidence boost when it comes to showing your face—staring at yourself in a meeting can feel like falling down a rabbit hole of fun-house mirrors—try taking the time to master your video-call game. Migrate your setup so your meticulously styled bookcase is now your default backdrop, you get to sit in your comfiest chair, and the window light gives your face an instant glow-up.

Working alongside other people, even if you’re not chatting it up, can be a major mood and productivity boost—just ask any freelancer who squatted at coffee shops for the past 10 years. If you miss your office gang, see if one or two of them are down for a live work sesh that’ll naturally turn into a study-hall vibe, in a good way. Discord has an open-meeting room option for audio, or use Slack’s similar “huddle” feature. Or go low risk: Start an ongoing group Slack and let the memes flow.

Forced “fun” sounds as exhilarating as de-icing your fridge in the middle of winter, but the alternative may feel like grinding it out on an island. So reach out, specifically about something unrelated to a work project. Make it a habit by setting a recurring reminder at least a couple times a week. Work is work, but it’s also a complex social organization. Keep relationships flourishing through coffee chats, informal one-on-ones, and walk-and-talks around the block—the office’s or your own (with AirPods).

Ask your IT buddy about their ski trip this weekend! Slack the person on your last call about where they got their great sweater! Just make time to talk that talk.